And here I am writing another one of those therapeutic blog posts. I guess the messages that these blog posts are supposed to convey are all over the place nowadays, but I begin to understand that expressing the words yourself gives them a deeper meaning. It makes them your own, even though you still might not totally understand or live them. At least it serves as an affirmation to yourself and the world that you are willing to follow them.
I really wonder where it comes from or why I do it but sometimes I end up in a whirlpool-like vicious circle of self-loath. That mostly happens when I am not able to reach the goals I aim for. Say in the morning of a day I make a certain plan for the day which I then for whatever reason cannot accomplish. Lying in bed the same evening thoughts like these might cross my mind: “Why haven’t I done X? I should have been able to do it! I am so lazy and stupid!”. Paradoxically I sometimes find myself loathing myself because I can not stop loathing myself. Even now while writing this blog post in an equilibrated state of mind it makes me laugh because of its silliness: Maybe I should also loath myself about my self-loath loathing?
Trick the paradox: Exit the circle
I believe many people struggle with this, even though one often thinks that oneself is the only one to struggle while all the others are getting it. What we not realize is that some or even most of the pressure we put on ourselves is artificial and self-created. For me, it takes a real mental effort to understand that this is a trap my mind creates itself. But, accepting the fact that oneself is the source is the first step of change. In a way, the problem already contains the solution itself. As the pressure originates from my own mind I can willingly use the same power but in a positive way.
I can treat myself like a loving mother would: Showering myself with unconditional love, understanding why things go south sometimes and don’t be judgemental because of it. By creating this mental habit I will recircuit my nervous system, alter my mind and hopefully don’t go down the drain of self-loathing that often anymore. In the end, this is quite comparable to physical exercise. Maybe instead of biceps training, we should train ourselves in self-care sometimes!
Because we all have the opportunity, I know that it is hard, but I can tell myself it is possible: I can exit the vicious circle of self loath! All of this does not mean that I should not set myself goals and follow them ambitiously. It just means that if I fail there is no reason in putting myself down because of it. The only one prohibiting me from being nice to myself am I. And guess what, I can just give myself the permission to be nice to myself.